Diary Entry 3

Entry Date: 2025-05-28

I just have been feeling very shitty the last few months. Ever since December I'be just been in such a slump just stuck thinking abouu the past. My life up to about the time I turned 18 feels like I've just kinda "existed", not really here or not really gone.

I never really had many friends growing up or often none at all and paired with me behavioral problems growing up i was subject to bullying and isolationism. As a result for about 10 years of my life I've been kinda "stunted". It feels as if while everyone was moving forward, I was stuck in thi funk. My teachers and counselors even told my parents that I may had ADHD and that it would be beneficial for me to go on medication but I guess my mother refused to beleive I had that.

I was always in trouble in school and every time I was severely punished usually a beating with a belt or whatever, I wasn't allowed to have anything growing up and anything I did have was swiftly taken away never to be seen again, all over behavior I couldn't control. I was never allowed outside because my mom was sleeping for work all the time, which is fine, however she wouldnt let me do anything in the house, she wouldnt even let me make a simple peanut butter and jelly sandwhich without waking her up and even then she'd be upset at me for waking her up. Even if my 1 friend came over to ask if I could come out I couldn't because of my mom.

As a result I developed this personality that I need to basically as my mom for anything and everything and if she already said no to something there was no purpose of asking again. This mentality has kind of just carried on until the present. You know it's kind of crazy how I never had been to a grocery store by myself until I turned 18 or how I had never hung out with friends outside of school or work until I turned 18, all new experiences I never had that I had felt I was starting to have a bit "late" in my life compared to my friends

I grew up in a very sheltered household. When my mom got with her new bf it seemed that was all she cared about was him. She dragged me all the way out to his house in Detroit despite her saying she didnt want to put me in Detroit schools and proceeded to put me into the next worse thing. That time of my life in Detroit was my worst yet. I had absolutely 0 friends, bullied all the time, terrible school enviroment, and even my home life wasnt great. I was stuck in that house all day every day with no contact with anyone besides my family, I wasnt allowed anything because of my behavior I struggled to control and was beat relentlessly over every wrongdoing I made, wasn't allowed to go outside except the back yard or front yard with supervision cause "it's Detroit". I wanted so bad to have a normal life. I heard the other kids and what they were doing and stuff and hanging out and what did I do? I sat in my room and stared out windows. While other kids were on the internet or xbox and hanging out I had a tracphone and I had no gaming system of any kind. I remember vividly wanting an xbox one around the time it came out and I tried so hard to be on behavior and get my grades up and I completely failed to do so but I kept hoping and come christmas the only electronic device I got was a cheap amazon digital camera I never used. I was utterly devastated.

Even tho it was a material possesion and yes I didnt do well in school that moment made me realize that no matter whatever I did I will never do anything right. I could never make my mother happy, I could never achiev the life that the other kids in my grades had, nothing. By that point I gave up having dreams or hopes for anything. Just felt like I was stuck in a jail and at that point I had shifted my mentality.

This went on for about a year until i got my first real exposure to the real unfiltered internet in 2015 and i was 9 or 10 at that time and mind you my lil brother got his first phone, an iphone at a younger age then me, this was a pivotal moment in my life. It was as if I could watch the outside world from a screen, inside my prison. By this point the internet replaced everthing I needed socially, Who needed friends irl? i could make them through the games I played, who needed to go outside? everything I needed was at my fingertips. my grades and behavior slipped even further and I got beat more and more but funny enough my tablet never got took so I just repeated. I was also a habitual liar at the time and I lied about dumb shit all the time. I was always so afraid of upsetting my mother that my brain would just automatically blurt out lies and she'd beat me for lying and the cycle just repeated.

Fast forward to 2016 and were moving back out to my original area because my mom and her boyfriend arent working out and at least at his house I had my own room but now I had to share a room with my lil bro. Mind you up until this point I've always had my own room, but now I had absolutely 0 privacy or my own space at all. At first it was okay but I was getting into my teenage years and I really needed that privacy for many things most can assume. This period of my life was the absolute worst. This was the now 3rd school district I was in and this was just all because my mom could only ever think about her and her bf who at the time was still coming over to our new place to see her which made absolutely 0 fucking sense. My mom still did her thing of not getting me anything or letting me do anything because of my behavior I couldnt control even tho I did relatively well in 6th grade. During 6th grade nobody didnt really pick on me but my class was now full of the people who picked on me back in my first district but the thing that hurt the most was that they completely forgot about me.

Yeah they had forgotten about me but knwoing that none of them even remember me hurt even more, it was like I was stabbed in the heart. You bully me for years and then you don even remember me?? Anyway as a result I never spoke to anyone and nobody spoke to me. I always got called teachers pet because nobody would interact with me besides the teacher who tbh I think just passed me because I didn't really do well in school at all nd I think she treated me as if I was kind of special needs? She was sweet but looking back I can definitely see it.

Either way I graduated 6th grade on honor roll and for once in my life it seemed my mom was actually proud of me and was paying attention to me and not putting me to the side ot focus on her own problems. Little did I know how much 7th grade would be such a shitshow.

2017 was the started of 7th grade for me and even the start was terrible by this point I was completely isolated and had absolutely 0 friends and the people who called themselves my friends just backstabbed me or made me look like a fool to satiate their sick minds. Combined with the suffocating home life where I had 0 privacy or freedom to do anything and then school where I was isolated and bullied, I never had the chance to really figure things out about myself or to just live or "be a kid" and I also couldnt be anywhere becuuse I had to watch my brother since my mom worked nights. She still wouldnt let me have an xbox or anything and she still beat me for my behavior and even my step dad did but he'd go even harder than my mom, often not even caring where he hit. I still didnt even have a smartphone yet and my only access to the internet was my blue tablet from 2015.

It was also during this time that my mother had developed a drug addiction and got her nursing license taken away because she was taking medication from her job. she quit working for the next 4 years after that but during that time in 2017 she was always in a cylce of being high and in withdrawl and bakc and forth, Always destroying the house, scaring my siblings especially my sister who lived with my step dad from her divorce since he was her dad and she only came over on the weekened and then she stopped coming over during that time. The countless times I had to clean the apartment up because my mom had one of her fits.

about mid 2017 I wont get into details but I said something in an uncontrollable outburst that the teacher, who already didnt like me, reported to the office and involved the police. I was suspended from school for 2 weeks and it was in that time that my mother FINALLY started questioning wether to get me checked out for behaviorial diagnosis, only took her until I into 7th grade. The rest of the year carried on in that cycle of her addiction. During that time I was very depressed but nobody seemed to care. It got so bad that I even attempted cutting to try and get her attention but i always chickened out and never cut myself, but instead I resulted cutting the walls of the house and the counter tops, doors, glass, and it only made her even more angrier with me and shed beat me even more sometimes just straight up punching me then half bakedly apologzing later. but I contintued the cutting. I had tons of suicidal ideation, jumping, drowing, hanging myself in my closet, etc. I also thought about running away to just to see if anybody fucking cared about me at all, but I didnt even care anymore to do even that. In my head nobdoy cared about me but only cared about what I did wrong. I never got anything right and was just a burden on everyone around me. My mom also drank during this time to a lot and her bf or my step dad was always busy working trying to keep our house afloat.

Summer 2018 before school ended, I had finally gotten my frist console, an old Xbox 360. mind you I had played consoles before like PS2, PS3, and I had a DSi that was taken and never seen again, but this was MY first console and I really enjoyed it. My grades the whole year of 7th grade were terrible and my mom ended up taking the xbox for the whole summer because of grades and behavior and I only had the console because it was a gift from someone otherwise id never have it. That further reinforced the idea that nothing I do will ever be right.

2018 was the year I entered the 8th grade and it was the first positive year I had and also the year I started realizing things about my sexuality and gender identity. My mom after 8 years finally got me medication for my ADHD and outbursts and my grades and behavior made a huge turn around and my mom had no issue showing off her "reformed son" to people and my old teachers and at teacher conferences. Her waiting this long essentially robbed me of my childhood basically and I struggled a lot because of it AND SHE KNEW I HAD PROBLEMS this whole time. 8th grade I still had 0 friends but it didnt even matter, I was so socially stunted that I didn't even know how to make friends let alone talk to people. I dont have much to say about 2018 besides that I finally got that Xbox One I wanted and I got my first iPhone at 13 years old.

The year is 2019 and it's my freshman year of high school. I vowed to change and make my parents happy but my lack of social skills and stuff really affected my school experience. Everyone already had their friend groups from middle school and I was just kind of alone the whole time. I also really just failed to adjust to the high school curriculum and needed booster classes becuase I was so acedemically underperforming because of my previous years of not being able to focus on school, and I just ended up disapointing them even more with my poor grades. About midway through the year, the few people I could call friends backstabbed me and started distancing themselves from me calling me a school shooter and all kinds of names for no apparent reason. It was just random, Then just like before I was abck to being on my own and didnt trust anyone ever again.Then covid hit and we went into lockdown and they passed everyone. That kind of saved me not going to lie because I was starting to slip back into how I used to be

During the lockdown my mom got me my drivers education but she never really helped me get any hours or driving experience. I kinda didn't care anyway because I still had that Detroit mentality of not going anywhere, no job nothing, I just didn't care at all and it seemed nobody else did either. When we got back into in person back in 2021 I had completely forgotten how to kinda speak to people entirlely. I didn't even speak to teachers barely and I kinda gave up on my grades since it seemed my parents didnt care anymore eitherand thats how it basically was all of high school, no friends, no care at all, just did the bare minimum to pass. I used to try my best to make my parents happy but since they didnt care, why bother?

The experience that most teens dream of in high school is getting out and going to prom but no me. I had absolutely nobody to go with and I decided not going and my parents didnt seem to care either. I cried all prom night as I seen my classmates even the deemed "unpopular" kids pictures on instagram and I just cried all night.

After I graduated in june 2023 I bacame a neet as if it was the lockdown again. I didn't leave the house at all unless for family trips and that was it. it was also this time after I spent my high school years exploring that I came out to my mom that I was unsure of my gender and was questiononing that if I was trans or not and my mom turned into the most nastiness form of herself I had ever seen. I could feel that she truly hated me or it felt like it. SHe basically forced me to appease her and tell her I will stop having these thoughts essentially and she essentially forced me in a box.

2024 was more of a better year. After I few setbacks I started school and finally got my first job and it seemed I was doing better but my mind always lingered that I still had many un-addressed problems and they periodically come back to destroy me. Primarily it just feels like what I said in the beginning, just feels as if everyone got a jumpstart ahead of me and im lagging behind, it makes me sad that I didnt get to experience common things until very late into mu life as an adult. I hate how sheltered I grew up. I hate how I feel like I was and still are being pushed to the side by my parents. I hate trying to figure out why I was treated this way and ONLY me as my siblings did not go through this. It ultimatley feels as if I was just "here" all these years but nobody cared that I was even here. My early early childhood wasn't like this so where did the change happemn? I have no clue.

Even now I have troubles being or trying to be myself out of fear of my mother. It's like engrained in my at this point, always afraid to make her mad, always walking on eggshells. she told me i never would have to pay her to stay here but then made me start paying all because she saw my buying things with my own money and she got petty. She hates not having controll over me which is why she threatened to kick me out if I ever got hormones behind her back AS AN ADULT anything of that sort, so how far can I go before she freaks out again?

Anyway I think ive written enough and its 5:41AM and I started writing at 4:12am. Welcome to the the inside of my mind, try and enjoy your stay, it's not and will not be pretty