Diary Entry 3

Entry Date: 2025-06-28

I feel that I always try to help people to distract from my own problems. And then when I need help or need to vent, I feel as if nobody is there to talk to. In a way, I feel as if I'm alone when I have my online friends, but I don't want to bombard them with my problems. I feel as if a lot of people are making progress in their life and are achieving the things I wanted to, and I'm stuck in place, a pathetic loser who is doing nothing with their life, living for others but never for myself. I wonder if I were to ever be gone, would those same people care about me like I cared for them? I wonder if my life so far has just been a waste? Well, maybe not a waste to others but surely to myself. What have I been doing all these years besides existing? I've never had a real relationship with people, and ones that were, well, I push away the person directly or indirectly, or something just makes me unapproachable, and I have no clue what it is. Maybe I'm not meant to have anything intimate, or maybe I'm just not meant to be happy. Maybe it's a punishment for something that not even the world or God will tell me. People tell me they like me, enjoy my presence, but for some reason, I just can't feel it; it doesn't register in my brain. I genuinely can't see that in myself. I put on a cheery expression or hide my feelings around people; I've gotten good at it after doing it for so many years, and it slips up sometimes, but in reality, I'm a pathetic, bitter, lonely shell of a thing called a "human." To be honest, I don't think I'd ever be a good match for someone. I think beyond being a friend is impossible for me, and sometimes I don't even feel like I can be a friend. I used to self-harm and attempted multiple times but I chickened out, what a pathetic loser. All I wanted was to be able to be seen at least by my mother, but no, I was just cast aside my whole childhood, just to 'exist,' and I never even existed in school. I was a ghost that nobody saw, and the ones who saw only saw someone they could use and abuse, or assault maybe to, I don't know, maybe feel something in themselves. Thanks for choosing me, I guess, to assault; I guess maybe that's the one time I was seen then, lol, but whatever, not like anyone cares, and that was 8 years ago. You are inside the mind of something that hasn't felt "human" for years. They say truly depressed people don't take care of themselves well or whatever, but what if I'm just taking care of myself so nobody else will notice and start to act sad and then want to give attention and help me? I don't want your pity now, so I'll just do the bare minimum to make you think I'm okay, and for the most part, it seems to be working. I don't think I'll ever go to the brink of disappearing myself; far too many things in this life I still love, and I wouldn't want to disappoint my parents and make my siblings cry, but everyday feels like a trial the way I sit and dwell on my haunting past and haunting future that doesn't have a future

It's like I'm just ,,,,,,, here ,,,,,,,, existing

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